Secret Menu Items Sure to Make You Gag
Secret menu items are a bit like culinary graffiti, decorating or defacing the visage of the fast food experience, depending on where you stand. A secret menu serves as an anarchist’s literal cookbook, allowing the common man a means of indulgence that reaches far beyond the standard fast food fare and into Arby’s-level obscenity. A certain amount of ingenuity and creativity goes into secret menu items; those deep fried Frankenstein’s monsters that set torches burning among the concerned denizens of McDonaldland. But where some may view a MacGyver-like brilliance in matters of hyper-processed foods others see all the finesse of a 1st grader mixing his/her first suicide (for those uninitiated, a suicide was the name given to a noxious self-made mixture of every soda offered by a restaurant). Today, we examine 8 secret menu items that are the weirdest of the weird, though thankfully the exploration will not involve our taste buds.
Popular Misconceptions About Secret Menu Items
But first we have to dispel any misconceptions one may read into what actually constitutes a
“secret menu.” The truth is that secret menu items are kind of a farce in the sense that waltzing up to the counter of McDonalds and ordering a McGangBang is as likely to get you the desired meal as it is to get you McBanned from that location. Not everyone’s up on the secret menu and even if they are, do you really think someone on McDonalds’ wages are going to want to systematically assemble a burger for you at 2:00AM if they don’t absolutely have to? That’s Subway work, dude. So, the truth is that you’re more than likely going to end up ordering the contents of your secret menu item yourself and awkwardly assembling it by yourself in a booth. Notice I didn’t say with your friends because excitedly putting a McGangBang together probably means you don’t have any.
With this in mind, secret menu items are really just fast food freakshows that anyone can dream up. While working at a Starbucks, upon being prompted to invent a drink, I squirted a couple shots of crème de menthe into a coke and just like that, I’d invented what you’d imagine was the worst secret menu item of all time: the Mint Coke. No one ever ordered it and my manager was pissed off by my lack of initiative but it really is that easy to concoct secret menu items. The only potential difference is that if you ordered a mint Coke from me at Starbucks, I’d actually have to make it for you. If you ordered a McGangBang, you’re risking a confused look from an underpaid employee and holding up a line that’s running out of time to place orders for their McRibs.
While the food that actually makes the cut for official menu status are often pretty lethal and inedible (see the above-mentioned McRib), secret menu items really escalate the situation to a whole new level of insanity. And this is a noticeable insanity as you will learn long before you reach the bottom of our list of the 8 weirdest secret menu items.
McGangBang (McDonalds): The Burger That Doesn’t Care Who It Screws
The appropriately inappropriate McGangBang is possibly the most notorious of the secret menu items ever since a McDonalds McManager publicly acknowledged the obscenity’s existence in a Reddit AMA last summer. With this acknowledgement, the manager “gangbanged” McDonalds employees the world over as giggling, guffawing customers presumably queued up en masse, demanding what basically amounts up to a McChicken sandwiched between two cheeseburgers. Between the McChicken in the middle, the employees having to deal with this, and the customer who actually eats the McGangBang, it’s tough to determine who’s getting screwed the hardest.
The Flying Dutchman (In-N-Out): Arguably the Most Haunting Secret Menu Item
While the McGangBang called frustrated virgins out of the woodwork, the Flying Dutchman is the secret menu item of choice for a much more specific type of weirdo. This “burger” consists of two slices of melted cheese sandwiched by two beef patties; not a single bun to hide its shame. For anyone who somehow missed Johnny Depp’s reign of terror (often referred to as the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise), the Flying Dutchman was a mythical ghost ship inspired by parallel mirages that may, in some very sick, warped way, find similarity in the appearance of this secret menu item.
Suicide Burger (Burger King): For When You’ve Finally Given Up
While technically every burger on a secret menu could be considered a “suicide burger”, Burger King’s Suicide Burger makes the name somewhat official. Also like every burger on a secret menu, it will try very hard to kill you. The Suicide Burger packs 4 beef patties, 4 slices of cheese, a wad of bacon, and a heaping helping of special sauce between two buns for the most brutal of secret menu items, an artery-clogging clusterfuck of greasy grotesqueness. If you go through with the Suicide Burger, at least do your loved ones the courtesy of scrawling a quick goodbye note on the receipt.
The Incredible Hulk (Taco Bell): Avenging All of Those Poor Calories You’ve Burned
If healthy secret menu items exist (they don’t), the Incredible Hulk from Taco Bell is at the head of that list. It’s basically your standard five-layer burrito with the nacho cheese replaced by guacamole. In keeping with the anti-secret menu vibe of health-consciousness, the 6” tortilla shell and sour cream are eliminated and the Taco Bell employee is given the instruction of making the order “Fresco-style” (meaning pico de gallo is substituted for the particularly fatty portions). Hulk will still probably smash any diet you’re on, but maybe not as violently as a Suicide Burger or McGangBang.
Mc10:35 (McDonalds): The Champion of Breakfasts
You knew the McDonalds secret menu items would be dominating this list before you even started reading, didn’t you? McDonalds breakfast is a paradise for fast food aficionados with one pretty severe catch: you have to be up early enough to eat it. That’s the menacing obstacle that makes the Mc10:35 a Holy Grail among secret menu items. Since it combines an Egg McMuffin (breakfast item) with a McDouble (lunch item), it can only be ordered in that golden zone between 10:30 and 11:00; a dimension as glorious and terrifying as a real-life McDonaldland. And in that McDonaldland, the Mc10:35 is the only thing on the menu. Of course, this could all change soon if McDonalds starts serving breakfast all day long as they’ve been hinting.
Big McChicken (McDonalds): Big McStake…errr, Mistake
The Big McChicken doesn’t pack the flashy names of most of the other secret menu items on this list, but it more than makes up for it with its egregious essence. Take a Big Mac, throw away the buns, replace them with two McChicken patties, and just that easily you’ve made this atrocity. It easily rivals the Flying Dutchman in its inedibility. Of course, if you can stomach a standard McChicken you’re well on your way to handling this behemoth of cooked pink slime and rubber. And while that chicken may not look like pink slime now, trust us, we know where it comes from.
Animal Style Burger/Fries (In-N-Out): The Most Unnatural Animal Since Jurassic Park
Animal Style burgers and fries have been on the In-N-Out secret menu for so long that they’re really not much of a secret. Pretty much any In-N-Out employee knows what Animal Style means: loading your burger with Thousand Island sauce, beef patties grilled with mustard, and tons of pickles. Animal Style fries are distinctly different, piling high grilled onions, Thousand Island sauce, and cheese. While no less lethal than any official fast food restaurant menu item, Animal Style burgers and fries are at least more universally palatable than their secret menu brethren.
Land, Sea, and Air Burger (McDonalds): Alternately, the “No Escape Burger”
An unsettling take on classic surf ‘n’ turf dishes, the Land, Sea, and Air Burger slaps together a Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, and McChicken. Obviously, the beef represents land and fish represents sea, but are we really to believe the chicken represents air? That’s a bit of a stretch. And if there’s one thing you can’t afford after stretching both your waist line and the lines of decency by eating this most heinous of secret menu items, it’s another stretch.
When HP Lovecraft referenced “the thing that should not be” I have full confidence he meant secret menu items. Obviously, the fast food chains agree. No one wants to be waiting in line at McDonald’s only to hear a child asking his parents if he can have a McGangBang. However, if you’re already considering ordering one of these secret menu items for yourself, rest assured that no law of man or nature will stop you; even a tired fast food employee at the end of a shift.